Healing Wounded Relationships (1)

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3


It happens every day. Maybe it's happening right now in your once-happy home: unrealistic expectations, infidelity and broken promises destroying the dream of lifelong love and trust. Thankfully, God is the healer of broken relationships and violated trust. When someone you love is hurting:
(1) Give it time. Healing is a process, not an event. Wounds of the heart heal slowly. Maybe you're thinking, 'But I've apologised over and over. How long will it take them to let it go and start trusting me again?' It takes as long as it takes! Demanding the other person to heal on your schedule only delays the process. 'But if they really forgave me they wouldn't keep bringing it up.' Not so. When your loved one can bring it up without you getting upset, healing will happen faster.
(2) Don't expect things to be normal for now. They won't be - and that's normal! Ever notice how you automatically protect an injured limb against knocks and bumps? It's a natural, instinctive reaction. The fact is, the one who caused the pain may be ready for business as usual, but for the wounded 'normal' feels way too vulnerable right now. By lowering your expectations and giving them space, you'll hasten and promote the healing process.
(3) Remember, people heal at different rates. God said, "There is a time… to weep… a time to laugh… a time to embrace and a time to refrain"
(Ecclesiastes 3:4-5).
Be sensitive. Let God teach you patience and growth as you give your loved one time to heal.

Healing Wounded Relationships (2)

I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.
2 Kings 20:5


Just sitting waiting for healing to happen doesn't help; it only lengthens the process. Working to become a positive influence is what moves things forward. If you want to help:
Listen.
When your loved one needs to talk, listen without trying to defend, explain, rationalise or excuse your behaviour. Don't try to correct their 'misperceptions' or lessen their pain by minimising it.

Validate.
Don't tell somebody, "You shouldn't feel that way." When people talk about their pain, often they're doing the work necessary to help them heal. By letting them know their feelings are legitimate rather than making them feel weak or silly, you enable them to work through the negative emotions.

Apologise. Yes, again! Whoever said, "Love means never having to say you're sorry," didn't know much about human relationships. Every genuine apology promotes healing. A heartfelt "I'm so sorry" is medicine to a wounded soul. So apply it till it's no longer needed - and your loved one will let you know when that is. Repair. Offer to help repair the hurt you've caused. "I know I've wounded you, and I really want to know what I can do to help heal the damage." Genuinely spoken, those words realign and make you part of the solution, not just the cause of the problem.

God said, "I have heard your prayers and seen your tears; I will heal you," and the sooner you become actively engaged in promoting the healing process, the sooner you'll get out of the penalty box and back on the field.

Healing Wounded Relationships (3)

I will restore.
Jeremiah 30:17


There are no painless, foolproof guarantees; healing a relationship involves shared effort and risk. I have to trust that ultimately you'll forgive me and put the offense behind you, and you have to believe that I'm sincere about changing. Healing wounded relationships is a two-person job. Your job is to work at trusting me again, and mine is to provide you with evidence that I'm trustworthy. When we do that we invite one another's co-operation, encourage each other and shorten the distance that separates us. Making a relationship work means deciding you have real and positive options, and both committing to them.
If your betrayal caused the wounds, you can make your own job easier by becoming more accountable. By voluntarily keeping your partner in the loop about your schedule, without their having to quiz you, you graduate from being the bad guy to becoming a full-fledged team member, pursuing a mutual game plan so you can both win. By agreeing to self-police you also remove the resentment one partner feels when the other one monitors them. In other words, it relieves them of the dirty work of micromanaging you, and spares you the humiliation of feeling like you're always under the microscope.

On the other hand, if you are the wounded party you can make your mate's job easier by letting them know you value the relationship enough to make it work by keeping up your end. Tell them you appreciate their efforts. When healing a relationship becomes the main focus of both partners, and you include God, who said, "I will restore" (Jeremiah 30:17), it will happen!

Healing Wounded Relationships (4)

I will heal My people and let them enjoy... peace and security.
Jeremiah 33:6


The 'surgery' stage of confession and apology can happen quickly. The more complex 'recovery' stage of forgiveness, healing and restoration takes time. Remember the last time you took your car to the mechanic? You brought it in for one problem and he found others you weren't aware of that needed attention. In the same way, the healing process brings into focus issues related to the original one: communication, finances, time, parenting, and intimacy issues. If you want a healthy relationship there are no shortcuts; you have to deal with them. If you try to cheat the process, your unfinished business will keep undermining your hopes for a whole and happy relationship. So if you haven't already guessed it, restoration work isn't for the cowardly or lazy. But the rewards are well worth it, so roll up your sleeves!
Reinforce each other's efforts. God said, "Render… honour to whom honour is due" (Romans 13:7) because it's a principle that works. We routinely thank the waiter, the taxi driver and the person at the supermarket checkout. It's an ingrained, invaluable courtesy - and one we'd do well to take home. People working on relationships need the healing power that comes from regular doses of courtesy. You'd be amazed at the restorative mileage you get from simply expressing your appreciation. The 'principle of reinforcement' says you get more of what you acknowledge, so remember to thank your partner for even the smallest effort to improve things. Not only will you be honouring them, you'll be inviting more of the same, and making interest-bearing deposits in your relationship account.

Healing Wounded Relationships (5)

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted.
Isaiah 61:1

When you violate your partner's trust, you send your 'relationship account' into deficit! Intimacy is replaced by painful emotional and physical distance. As the offender you feel that, in spite of your apology and repentance, your wounded partner is still exacting their pound of flesh and making you pay. But they are not! They are simply out of surplus emotional resources. Their tank is empty. It's taking all they have just to 'keep it together'. Expecting them to be their old self is like asking a legless man to hurry up and walk! It's not going to happen.
What can you do to help? The same thing you do when you have a deficit in your bank account. (1) Stop making withdrawals! Don't ask or expect from your partner all they normally do for you. Don't wait to be served. Pick up your dirty dishes. Iron your own clothes. Surrender your sense of entitlement. Practise the Christ-like art of denying yourself. For now, lean on God and your Christian friends and family to help meet your temporarily unmet needs.
(2) Start making deposits! Make them small and often. "If you give, you will get! Your gift will return to you… pressed down, shaken together… running over"(Luke 6:38 ). Consistent deposits can eventually cancel the deficit, moving the relationship into surplus! Quietly find ways to make your partner's life easier: small courtesies, thoughtful deeds, little considerations that serve and salve. These are the things that invite your partner to feel like it's safe to push 'defrost,' start taking small risks, reconnect, and test the waters again!

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