I know the plans I have for you.
Jeremiah 29:11
Today God is saying to you, "While in process, stick to the plan!" Nothing takes God by surprise. He's a master planner. Joseph discovered that when your family turns against you, your friends let you down and you finish up in trouble, God still has a plan. Looking back Joseph could say, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good" (Genesis 50:20). When your situation seems too hard to handle and downright impossible to explain, remind yourself that God said, "I know the plans I have for you."
Some of us are not sure God has made up His mind about us, so we keep trying to earn His favour. Give it up! Receive the truth that God, for Christ's sake, has decided to bless you. And when God decides, temporary situations or the actions of others don't change His decision. There's nothing the enemy devises against you that God hasn't already made 'a way of escape' for. Paul writes, "God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that you are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it"
(1 Corinthians 10:13).
Observe: (1) In times of testing you discover how faithful God is.
(2) He knows what you can handle.
(3) He will "make a way" so you can exit this season stronger, and ready for what He has next.
So stick to the plan. The fact that you have a problem is a sign that you have a promise. It's only a matter of time before God reveals the solution.
Stick To The Plan (2)
My God, why have You forsaken Me?
Matthew 27:46
Jesus knew that Judas would betray Him, yet He didn't stop him. He could have summoned twelve legions of angels to help Him, yet He didn't call on them. Under the weight of our sins He cried from the cross, "My God, why have You forsaken Me?" That's because He understood it was all part of God's plan for Him. His words, "God, where are You?" teach us that:
(a) You can be in God's plan yet at times feel overwhelmed and alone.
(b) When God doesn't answer you must stand on the Word He has given you.
(c) The pain of this season will eventually give way to the joy God has waiting for you on the other side of it. So stick to the plan; that's what disciples do.
The word 'disciple' means to be disciplined. It means sticking to the plan when you're under attack. It teaches you how to function when you don't feel like it. The enemy will come against the plan of God in your life, because that plan is like a hedge of protection around you. As long as you stay in God's plan, nothing that the enemy does can destroy you.
So, when you feel like you've reached the end of your rope and you can't go another step, do what Jesus did - pray, "Father, into Your hands I commit My spirit" (Luke 23:46). Give it to God! Look up and say, "Lord, I'm trusting You to do what I cannot do. Bring me through this. Here it is; I'm turning it over to You. My life, my future, and my all are in Your hands!"
Stick To The Plan (3)
Then Peter got... out of the boat, walked on the water... toward Jesus.
Matthew 14:28-29
Peter proved that as long as you keep your eyes on Jesus and stick to the plan, you won't go under. Notice:
(1) Before you get into something, make sure it's God's will for you! Peter said, "Lord, if it's You, bid me to come to You on the water" and Jesus said, "Come." Before you take on something like water-walking, pray and be sure God's in it. In other words, get God's plan and stick to it.
(2) Don't expect everybody in the boat to go with you. Water-walking is a lonely calling; it sets you apart from those who are timid and security-minded. It also tends to bring criticism from those who think you're making them look bad by contrast.
(3) If you wait for good weather you'll miss your moment. When Jesus said, "Come," they were in the middle of a storm. Face it; we'd all like the stars to line up, or some big donor to underwrite the whole project before we make a move. But how often does that happen? Peter wasn't walking on the water; he was walking on the Word! What has God told you to do? Stop waiting for ideal conditions and start doing it!
(4) Don't expect a mistake-free performance. Nobody walks without fluctuation.
The Bible describes its heroes in one sentence: "Whose weakness was turned to strength"
(Hebrews 11:34). All the great men and women of God you admire go through sinking spells when they cry out, "Lord, save me." And do you know what? He does! And He'll do the same for you.
Stick To The Plan (4)
Peter replied, 'Tell me to come to You on the water.'
Matthew 14:28
Peter didn't walk on the water all by himself, he did it with Jesus. Today Christ invites you to walk with Him and experience His miracles. Why don't we see more of them in our lives? Because:
(1) We don't pray and believe God for them. Jesus said, "If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you" (John 15:7). Your prayers give God an invitation, an entry point and a channel through which His miraculous power can flow to change your circumstances. But you have to pray and believe Him to do it!
(2) We think the day of miracles is past. The Scriptures declare, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever"(Hebrews 13:8). In reality there never has been 'a day of miracles'; there's only a God of miracles, and He never changes. So don't limit Him!
(3) We allow sin to sabotage our confidence. John writes, "If our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from Him anything we ask, because we obey His commands and do what pleases Him" (1 John 3:21-22).
(4) We look at the situation instead of the Saviour, and our faith falters. When Jesus told Peter, "Why do you doubt?" He was saying, "Don't allow this storm to overwhelm you. I'm right here with you. Your problem is under My feet, therefore it's under your feet too. Just keep your eyes on Me, keep walking by faith and stick to the plan!"
http://thevine.co.nz
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Lessons From The Ten Lepers
Your faith has made you well.
Luke 17:19
Luke writes, "There met Him ten… lepers, who stood afar off: And they lifted up their voices, and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us. And when He saw them, He said… Go show yourselves to the priests. And… as they went, they were cleansed. And one of them… returned, and… glorified God… Jesus… said, Were there not ten cleansed? But where are the nine?… And He said to him, Arise, go your way: your faith has made you well" (Luke 17:12-19). Observe three things in this story:
(1) When people reject you, you start thinking God does too. Because of their leprosy, these men were rejected by society. So when they met Christ they expected more of the same. But no, the Bible says, "When you draw close to God He will draw close to you"(James 4:8). So come, bring your problem to Him. He's the great problem-solver!
(2) Sometimes you have to 'walk it out'. We read, "As they went, they were cleansed." Sometimes change takes place quickly, but most times it happens slowly, step-by-step. You don't know exactly which step will bring victory, so you need to keep walking in faith. Before a leper was welcomed back into society the priest had to pronounce him 'clean'. How wonderful; Jesus saw the change in these men before it ever took place. That's because He has the power to make it happen. So keep walking!
(3) Gratitude and praise are so important to God.
This story reminds us how quickly we forget God's goodness, how much our praises mean to Him, and that only one in ten of us will pass the gratitude test. But that one becomes "well".
http://www.thevine.co.nz
Luke 17:19
Luke writes, "There met Him ten… lepers, who stood afar off: And they lifted up their voices, and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us. And when He saw them, He said… Go show yourselves to the priests. And… as they went, they were cleansed. And one of them… returned, and… glorified God… Jesus… said, Were there not ten cleansed? But where are the nine?… And He said to him, Arise, go your way: your faith has made you well" (Luke 17:12-19). Observe three things in this story:
(1) When people reject you, you start thinking God does too. Because of their leprosy, these men were rejected by society. So when they met Christ they expected more of the same. But no, the Bible says, "When you draw close to God He will draw close to you"(James 4:8). So come, bring your problem to Him. He's the great problem-solver!
(2) Sometimes you have to 'walk it out'. We read, "As they went, they were cleansed." Sometimes change takes place quickly, but most times it happens slowly, step-by-step. You don't know exactly which step will bring victory, so you need to keep walking in faith. Before a leper was welcomed back into society the priest had to pronounce him 'clean'. How wonderful; Jesus saw the change in these men before it ever took place. That's because He has the power to make it happen. So keep walking!
(3) Gratitude and praise are so important to God.
This story reminds us how quickly we forget God's goodness, how much our praises mean to Him, and that only one in ten of us will pass the gratitude test. But that one becomes "well".
http://www.thevine.co.nz
Be Prepared (1)
Work hard so God can approve you.
2 Timothy 2:15
Moses spent 80 years preparing for a job that would last 40. That's a two-to-one ratio of preparation to execution. The greater the goal, the greater the preparation! Much of your life can be spent getting ready for what seems like a brief season and assignment. But to be able to say at the end, "I have finished my course" is to have lived successfully. And that's so whether you are called to run a marathon or a 100-metre sprint.
Before passing the torch to Timothy, Paul says, "Work hard so God can approve you." Who does God use? People who prepare well. Whether you're called to business, education, politics, art, medicine or ministry, this principle remains - God uses prepared people. The price tag required for long-term success cannot be lowered. We all want what successful people have, we're just not all willing to pay the price they paid to achieve it. You must be prepared when your opportunities come.
Abraham Lincoln said, "I will prepare and some day my chance will come." Benjamin Disraeli said, "The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his time when it comes." When the fate of the Jews hung in the balance, Mordecai told Esther that her experience in the king's palace had prepared her, "For such a time as this"
(Esther 4:14). She responded and the Jews were saved. All these people had talent, prepared themselves and made the most of their opportunities when they arose. So your greatest challenge is not lack of opportunity, but being ready when it comes.
Be Prepared (2)
Hold on to instruction... guard it well, for it is your life.
Proverbs 4:13
It's not enough to get prepared, you must stay prepared. We're being told that knowledge is doubling every five years. So if you don't keep growing, you'll end up with coping skills that no longer match the challenge you face in the world you live in. It's estimated that many doctors are so busy taking care of patients that they're years behind in the latest developments in their field. If you or a loved one gets ill that could become a real concern.
Preparation doesn't begin with what you do, it begins with what you believe. If you believe that success tomorrow depends on what you do today, you'll treat today differently. A wise sailor studies the weather before he goes to sea, because he knows that avoiding a storm is easier than getting out of one. Howard Coonley of the American National Standards Institute stated, "The leader of the future will be rated by his ability to anticipate problems rather than to meet them as they come."
Preparation is not merely an event, it's a perspective. Abraham Lincoln said, "If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe." As a young man Lincoln had split rails with an axe, so he knew the value of staying sharp. Wisdom always prompted him to prepare - whether he was getting ready to cut wood, study law on his own to pass the bar, or lead the nation. This is why your Bible says, "Hold on to instruction, do not let it go. Guard it well, for it is your life" (Proverbs 4:13 ).
Be Prepared (3)
In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:6
One of the most important questions you must ask yourself is, "What am I supposed to prepare for?" You don't want to be like the beauty pageant contestant who recently told a late-night TV talk show host, "My goal is to bring world peace - and get my own apartment." Ask God what you're supposed to do, and keep asking till you get clear instructions as to your next step (or for that matter, your first step!).
There are timeless principles in the Bible that work, whether you're walking with God or going your own way. So be careful that you are not using God, rather than allowing God to use you. "In all your ways acknowledge [consult, listen and submit to] Him, and He shall direct your paths" (
Proverbs 3:6). What ultimately matters most will not be what others say about your life, but what God says.
The humbling truth is, all achievements will eventually be surpassed, records will be broken, reputations will fade, and tributes will be forgotten. In college Dr. James Dobson's goal was to become the school's tennis champion. He felt very proud when his trophy was prominently placed in a display cabinet. Years later someone mailed him that trophy - they had found it in a trash can when the school was remodeled. Dobson says, "Given enough time, all your trophies will be trashed by someone else." Living to create an earthly legacy is a short-sighted goal. You weren't put here to be remembered, you were put here to do God's will and to prepare for eternity. If you're wise you'll keep that in mind!
http://www.thevine.co.nz
2 Timothy 2:15
Moses spent 80 years preparing for a job that would last 40. That's a two-to-one ratio of preparation to execution. The greater the goal, the greater the preparation! Much of your life can be spent getting ready for what seems like a brief season and assignment. But to be able to say at the end, "I have finished my course" is to have lived successfully. And that's so whether you are called to run a marathon or a 100-metre sprint.
Before passing the torch to Timothy, Paul says, "Work hard so God can approve you." Who does God use? People who prepare well. Whether you're called to business, education, politics, art, medicine or ministry, this principle remains - God uses prepared people. The price tag required for long-term success cannot be lowered. We all want what successful people have, we're just not all willing to pay the price they paid to achieve it. You must be prepared when your opportunities come.
Abraham Lincoln said, "I will prepare and some day my chance will come." Benjamin Disraeli said, "The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his time when it comes." When the fate of the Jews hung in the balance, Mordecai told Esther that her experience in the king's palace had prepared her, "For such a time as this"
(Esther 4:14). She responded and the Jews were saved. All these people had talent, prepared themselves and made the most of their opportunities when they arose. So your greatest challenge is not lack of opportunity, but being ready when it comes.
Be Prepared (2)
Hold on to instruction... guard it well, for it is your life.
Proverbs 4:13
It's not enough to get prepared, you must stay prepared. We're being told that knowledge is doubling every five years. So if you don't keep growing, you'll end up with coping skills that no longer match the challenge you face in the world you live in. It's estimated that many doctors are so busy taking care of patients that they're years behind in the latest developments in their field. If you or a loved one gets ill that could become a real concern.
Preparation doesn't begin with what you do, it begins with what you believe. If you believe that success tomorrow depends on what you do today, you'll treat today differently. A wise sailor studies the weather before he goes to sea, because he knows that avoiding a storm is easier than getting out of one. Howard Coonley of the American National Standards Institute stated, "The leader of the future will be rated by his ability to anticipate problems rather than to meet them as they come."
Preparation is not merely an event, it's a perspective. Abraham Lincoln said, "If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe." As a young man Lincoln had split rails with an axe, so he knew the value of staying sharp. Wisdom always prompted him to prepare - whether he was getting ready to cut wood, study law on his own to pass the bar, or lead the nation. This is why your Bible says, "Hold on to instruction, do not let it go. Guard it well, for it is your life" (Proverbs 4:13 ).
Be Prepared (3)
In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:6
One of the most important questions you must ask yourself is, "What am I supposed to prepare for?" You don't want to be like the beauty pageant contestant who recently told a late-night TV talk show host, "My goal is to bring world peace - and get my own apartment." Ask God what you're supposed to do, and keep asking till you get clear instructions as to your next step (or for that matter, your first step!).
There are timeless principles in the Bible that work, whether you're walking with God or going your own way. So be careful that you are not using God, rather than allowing God to use you. "In all your ways acknowledge [consult, listen and submit to] Him, and He shall direct your paths" (
Proverbs 3:6). What ultimately matters most will not be what others say about your life, but what God says.
The humbling truth is, all achievements will eventually be surpassed, records will be broken, reputations will fade, and tributes will be forgotten. In college Dr. James Dobson's goal was to become the school's tennis champion. He felt very proud when his trophy was prominently placed in a display cabinet. Years later someone mailed him that trophy - they had found it in a trash can when the school was remodeled. Dobson says, "Given enough time, all your trophies will be trashed by someone else." Living to create an earthly legacy is a short-sighted goal. You weren't put here to be remembered, you were put here to do God's will and to prepare for eternity. If you're wise you'll keep that in mind!
http://www.thevine.co.nz
Healing Wounded Relationships (1)
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
Psalm 147:3
It happens every day. Maybe it's happening right now in your once-happy home: unrealistic expectations, infidelity and broken promises destroying the dream of lifelong love and trust. Thankfully, God is the healer of broken relationships and violated trust. When someone you love is hurting:
(1) Give it time. Healing is a process, not an event. Wounds of the heart heal slowly. Maybe you're thinking, 'But I've apologised over and over. How long will it take them to let it go and start trusting me again?' It takes as long as it takes! Demanding the other person to heal on your schedule only delays the process. 'But if they really forgave me they wouldn't keep bringing it up.' Not so. When your loved one can bring it up without you getting upset, healing will happen faster.
(2) Don't expect things to be normal for now. They won't be - and that's normal! Ever notice how you automatically protect an injured limb against knocks and bumps? It's a natural, instinctive reaction. The fact is, the one who caused the pain may be ready for business as usual, but for the wounded 'normal' feels way too vulnerable right now. By lowering your expectations and giving them space, you'll hasten and promote the healing process.
(3) Remember, people heal at different rates. God said, "There is a time… to weep… a time to laugh… a time to embrace and a time to refrain"
(Ecclesiastes 3:4-5).
Be sensitive. Let God teach you patience and growth as you give your loved one time to heal.
Healing Wounded Relationships (2)
I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.
2 Kings 20:5
Just sitting waiting for healing to happen doesn't help; it only lengthens the process. Working to become a positive influence is what moves things forward. If you want to help:
Listen.
When your loved one needs to talk, listen without trying to defend, explain, rationalise or excuse your behaviour. Don't try to correct their 'misperceptions' or lessen their pain by minimising it.
Validate.
Don't tell somebody, "You shouldn't feel that way." When people talk about their pain, often they're doing the work necessary to help them heal. By letting them know their feelings are legitimate rather than making them feel weak or silly, you enable them to work through the negative emotions.
Apologise. Yes, again! Whoever said, "Love means never having to say you're sorry," didn't know much about human relationships. Every genuine apology promotes healing. A heartfelt "I'm so sorry" is medicine to a wounded soul. So apply it till it's no longer needed - and your loved one will let you know when that is. Repair. Offer to help repair the hurt you've caused. "I know I've wounded you, and I really want to know what I can do to help heal the damage." Genuinely spoken, those words realign and make you part of the solution, not just the cause of the problem.
God said, "I have heard your prayers and seen your tears; I will heal you," and the sooner you become actively engaged in promoting the healing process, the sooner you'll get out of the penalty box and back on the field.
Healing Wounded Relationships (3)
I will restore.
Jeremiah 30:17
There are no painless, foolproof guarantees; healing a relationship involves shared effort and risk. I have to trust that ultimately you'll forgive me and put the offense behind you, and you have to believe that I'm sincere about changing. Healing wounded relationships is a two-person job. Your job is to work at trusting me again, and mine is to provide you with evidence that I'm trustworthy. When we do that we invite one another's co-operation, encourage each other and shorten the distance that separates us. Making a relationship work means deciding you have real and positive options, and both committing to them.
If your betrayal caused the wounds, you can make your own job easier by becoming more accountable. By voluntarily keeping your partner in the loop about your schedule, without their having to quiz you, you graduate from being the bad guy to becoming a full-fledged team member, pursuing a mutual game plan so you can both win. By agreeing to self-police you also remove the resentment one partner feels when the other one monitors them. In other words, it relieves them of the dirty work of micromanaging you, and spares you the humiliation of feeling like you're always under the microscope.
On the other hand, if you are the wounded party you can make your mate's job easier by letting them know you value the relationship enough to make it work by keeping up your end. Tell them you appreciate their efforts. When healing a relationship becomes the main focus of both partners, and you include God, who said, "I will restore" (Jeremiah 30:17), it will happen!
Healing Wounded Relationships (4)
I will heal My people and let them enjoy... peace and security.
Jeremiah 33:6
The 'surgery' stage of confession and apology can happen quickly. The more complex 'recovery' stage of forgiveness, healing and restoration takes time. Remember the last time you took your car to the mechanic? You brought it in for one problem and he found others you weren't aware of that needed attention. In the same way, the healing process brings into focus issues related to the original one: communication, finances, time, parenting, and intimacy issues. If you want a healthy relationship there are no shortcuts; you have to deal with them. If you try to cheat the process, your unfinished business will keep undermining your hopes for a whole and happy relationship. So if you haven't already guessed it, restoration work isn't for the cowardly or lazy. But the rewards are well worth it, so roll up your sleeves!
Reinforce each other's efforts. God said, "Render… honour to whom honour is due" (Romans 13:7) because it's a principle that works. We routinely thank the waiter, the taxi driver and the person at the supermarket checkout. It's an ingrained, invaluable courtesy - and one we'd do well to take home. People working on relationships need the healing power that comes from regular doses of courtesy. You'd be amazed at the restorative mileage you get from simply expressing your appreciation. The 'principle of reinforcement' says you get more of what you acknowledge, so remember to thank your partner for even the smallest effort to improve things. Not only will you be honouring them, you'll be inviting more of the same, and making interest-bearing deposits in your relationship account.
Healing Wounded Relationships (5)
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted.
Isaiah 61:1
When you violate your partner's trust, you send your 'relationship account' into deficit! Intimacy is replaced by painful emotional and physical distance. As the offender you feel that, in spite of your apology and repentance, your wounded partner is still exacting their pound of flesh and making you pay. But they are not! They are simply out of surplus emotional resources. Their tank is empty. It's taking all they have just to 'keep it together'. Expecting them to be their old self is like asking a legless man to hurry up and walk! It's not going to happen.
What can you do to help? The same thing you do when you have a deficit in your bank account. (1) Stop making withdrawals! Don't ask or expect from your partner all they normally do for you. Don't wait to be served. Pick up your dirty dishes. Iron your own clothes. Surrender your sense of entitlement. Practise the Christ-like art of denying yourself. For now, lean on God and your Christian friends and family to help meet your temporarily unmet needs.
(2) Start making deposits! Make them small and often. "If you give, you will get! Your gift will return to you… pressed down, shaken together… running over"(Luke 6:38 ). Consistent deposits can eventually cancel the deficit, moving the relationship into surplus! Quietly find ways to make your partner's life easier: small courtesies, thoughtful deeds, little considerations that serve and salve. These are the things that invite your partner to feel like it's safe to push 'defrost,' start taking small risks, reconnect, and test the waters again!
http://www.thevine.co.nz/
Psalm 147:3
It happens every day. Maybe it's happening right now in your once-happy home: unrealistic expectations, infidelity and broken promises destroying the dream of lifelong love and trust. Thankfully, God is the healer of broken relationships and violated trust. When someone you love is hurting:
(1) Give it time. Healing is a process, not an event. Wounds of the heart heal slowly. Maybe you're thinking, 'But I've apologised over and over. How long will it take them to let it go and start trusting me again?' It takes as long as it takes! Demanding the other person to heal on your schedule only delays the process. 'But if they really forgave me they wouldn't keep bringing it up.' Not so. When your loved one can bring it up without you getting upset, healing will happen faster.
(2) Don't expect things to be normal for now. They won't be - and that's normal! Ever notice how you automatically protect an injured limb against knocks and bumps? It's a natural, instinctive reaction. The fact is, the one who caused the pain may be ready for business as usual, but for the wounded 'normal' feels way too vulnerable right now. By lowering your expectations and giving them space, you'll hasten and promote the healing process.
(3) Remember, people heal at different rates. God said, "There is a time… to weep… a time to laugh… a time to embrace and a time to refrain"
(Ecclesiastes 3:4-5).
Be sensitive. Let God teach you patience and growth as you give your loved one time to heal.
Healing Wounded Relationships (2)
I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you.
2 Kings 20:5
Just sitting waiting for healing to happen doesn't help; it only lengthens the process. Working to become a positive influence is what moves things forward. If you want to help:
Listen.
When your loved one needs to talk, listen without trying to defend, explain, rationalise or excuse your behaviour. Don't try to correct their 'misperceptions' or lessen their pain by minimising it.
Validate.
Don't tell somebody, "You shouldn't feel that way." When people talk about their pain, often they're doing the work necessary to help them heal. By letting them know their feelings are legitimate rather than making them feel weak or silly, you enable them to work through the negative emotions.
Apologise. Yes, again! Whoever said, "Love means never having to say you're sorry," didn't know much about human relationships. Every genuine apology promotes healing. A heartfelt "I'm so sorry" is medicine to a wounded soul. So apply it till it's no longer needed - and your loved one will let you know when that is. Repair. Offer to help repair the hurt you've caused. "I know I've wounded you, and I really want to know what I can do to help heal the damage." Genuinely spoken, those words realign and make you part of the solution, not just the cause of the problem.
God said, "I have heard your prayers and seen your tears; I will heal you," and the sooner you become actively engaged in promoting the healing process, the sooner you'll get out of the penalty box and back on the field.
Healing Wounded Relationships (3)
I will restore.
Jeremiah 30:17
There are no painless, foolproof guarantees; healing a relationship involves shared effort and risk. I have to trust that ultimately you'll forgive me and put the offense behind you, and you have to believe that I'm sincere about changing. Healing wounded relationships is a two-person job. Your job is to work at trusting me again, and mine is to provide you with evidence that I'm trustworthy. When we do that we invite one another's co-operation, encourage each other and shorten the distance that separates us. Making a relationship work means deciding you have real and positive options, and both committing to them.
If your betrayal caused the wounds, you can make your own job easier by becoming more accountable. By voluntarily keeping your partner in the loop about your schedule, without their having to quiz you, you graduate from being the bad guy to becoming a full-fledged team member, pursuing a mutual game plan so you can both win. By agreeing to self-police you also remove the resentment one partner feels when the other one monitors them. In other words, it relieves them of the dirty work of micromanaging you, and spares you the humiliation of feeling like you're always under the microscope.
On the other hand, if you are the wounded party you can make your mate's job easier by letting them know you value the relationship enough to make it work by keeping up your end. Tell them you appreciate their efforts. When healing a relationship becomes the main focus of both partners, and you include God, who said, "I will restore" (Jeremiah 30:17), it will happen!
Healing Wounded Relationships (4)
I will heal My people and let them enjoy... peace and security.
Jeremiah 33:6
The 'surgery' stage of confession and apology can happen quickly. The more complex 'recovery' stage of forgiveness, healing and restoration takes time. Remember the last time you took your car to the mechanic? You brought it in for one problem and he found others you weren't aware of that needed attention. In the same way, the healing process brings into focus issues related to the original one: communication, finances, time, parenting, and intimacy issues. If you want a healthy relationship there are no shortcuts; you have to deal with them. If you try to cheat the process, your unfinished business will keep undermining your hopes for a whole and happy relationship. So if you haven't already guessed it, restoration work isn't for the cowardly or lazy. But the rewards are well worth it, so roll up your sleeves!
Reinforce each other's efforts. God said, "Render… honour to whom honour is due" (Romans 13:7) because it's a principle that works. We routinely thank the waiter, the taxi driver and the person at the supermarket checkout. It's an ingrained, invaluable courtesy - and one we'd do well to take home. People working on relationships need the healing power that comes from regular doses of courtesy. You'd be amazed at the restorative mileage you get from simply expressing your appreciation. The 'principle of reinforcement' says you get more of what you acknowledge, so remember to thank your partner for even the smallest effort to improve things. Not only will you be honouring them, you'll be inviting more of the same, and making interest-bearing deposits in your relationship account.
Healing Wounded Relationships (5)
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted.
Isaiah 61:1
When you violate your partner's trust, you send your 'relationship account' into deficit! Intimacy is replaced by painful emotional and physical distance. As the offender you feel that, in spite of your apology and repentance, your wounded partner is still exacting their pound of flesh and making you pay. But they are not! They are simply out of surplus emotional resources. Their tank is empty. It's taking all they have just to 'keep it together'. Expecting them to be their old self is like asking a legless man to hurry up and walk! It's not going to happen.
What can you do to help? The same thing you do when you have a deficit in your bank account. (1) Stop making withdrawals! Don't ask or expect from your partner all they normally do for you. Don't wait to be served. Pick up your dirty dishes. Iron your own clothes. Surrender your sense of entitlement. Practise the Christ-like art of denying yourself. For now, lean on God and your Christian friends and family to help meet your temporarily unmet needs.
(2) Start making deposits! Make them small and often. "If you give, you will get! Your gift will return to you… pressed down, shaken together… running over"(Luke 6:38 ). Consistent deposits can eventually cancel the deficit, moving the relationship into surplus! Quietly find ways to make your partner's life easier: small courtesies, thoughtful deeds, little considerations that serve and salve. These are the things that invite your partner to feel like it's safe to push 'defrost,' start taking small risks, reconnect, and test the waters again!
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